After about a two month hiatus from all things social, creative and fashion. (You may have noticed I have not been blogging.) I am BACK. To be honest, I felt as though I couldn’t write when things felt so wrong, mixed up and lost in my life. The past few months have been very difficult for me. I lost someone very dear to my heart. My Uncle (HERE) fell ill and his spiral downward happened completely out of no where. The grieving started the moment he was admitted into the ICU. It was not only heartbreaking and scary but it consumed me. I spent every moment of everyday praying and hoping and praying and hoping and waiting for a miracle. When something like that happens to your family it feels as though nothing else in the World matters. You grieve what could be, what is happening and not knowing what lies ahead weighs down on you like the weight of the World. I spent hours on the phone with my Mom. Every moment thinking of my Uncle and my family and playing over and over every last word that I could remember sharing with him. I cried until I could cry no more... I cried because all I wanted was one more day... One more time to say I love you. I wish more than anything that there was something that I could do to take away the pain that everyone in my family has experienced through out this devastating loss.
Up until the very last moment I held on to hope that things would turn around. When they didn’t and my phone rang, I already knew. The thing is when someone you love goes to heaven you can feel it. I laid awake that night holding in my heart my entire family and I just knew. When I heard the words all the pain and grief that had been building and brewing inside me welled up and burst, flooding out greater than ever before but at the same time I felt peace in knowing that finally my dear uncle was out of pain and finally in a place of peace with my grandparents and other family members who have already made it to heaven.
During this time of tragedy I am so thankful for the love and support of my husband who was absolutely incredible to me. He was there right by my side the entire time. Holding me when I needed to be held. Giving me space when I needed it. Holding me up when I felt like falling. My Mother and I are closer than ever and spending the time with her that I did when we went to Carson City/Reno for the funeral was such an incredible bonding and healing experience. The things we went through together are memories I cherish dearly. She is such an amazing woman and I hope to one day be exactly like her. She is my best friend and ultimate support. My sister Mariah came with us too. She is my best friend and I can always count on her. We are so close and I can’t believe how lucky I am to have her in my life as my sister and best friend forever. To my Papa, sister Sierra & my brothers I love you all too. Without you during these tough times I don’t think I would still be here. You have all in so many ways helped me and, to me, you are my everything. In addition to them I have the most amazing extended family, Aunts, Uncles, cousins... who all mean so much to me. We are all so much closer and stronger than ever before and I am so grateful to have such a tight knit family.
Thank you to everyone who in my time of struggle and heartache sent me condolences, prayers and kind words. You have no idea how much just a small acknowledgement can mean the World when you are breaking inside. I am so blessed to have all of you in my life.
With that, I would like to say that I am in a really good place now. I have worked through the tears and obstacles that have been unwelcome additions to this hard time. Including my husband suffering from a concussion, (Don’t worry, he’s all better now!), the garage door breaking and my senior dog peeing on the stairs, among other things... They say when it rains it pours and they REALLY mean it. All in all, while I still miss my Uncle more than ever, things are looking up and I am back to feeling like me and doing the things that I love. The best way to get through the hard times is to keep on pushing forward and when it gets to be too much it’s okay to lean on the ones you love because they will always find the strength inside to carry you until you have the strength and courage to take the steps on your own again. It really is okay to ask for help.
Thank you all, again. I love you so much.
And to my Uncle who is shining down on us from heaven. Thank you for all that you have given us. Even in death you still manage to take care of us all and show us the light. I love you. Rest in Peace.
Xo, Vanessa
